On Losing Independence
February 23, 2021 On Loosing independence
It seems as if I am watching a bad movie. Until about three days ago, I have been going through a process of anything from denial to acceptance of the fact that there are cancer cells in my body, and I am going through chemotherapy. It feels like I got on a huge roller coaster, they put the belt on me, and there is no way out until the ride is over. A few days ago, the ride took a long slide down, and into a dark tunnel with no light. My legs started hurting. It seems that something is pushing on a nerve or a muscle, perhaps in my lower back or abdomen, which creates deep burning pain in both legs, mostly while walking, and sometimes even sitting or lying down. I became dependent overnight. While before I had the freedom to walk around, clean, cook, make my juice, go down to the beach for a walk… overnight all these are not possible… I find myself a comfortable place to sit and read or work on my laptop while my beloved Bruce assumes his new task as a caretaker.
Going through my emails right now, A line just caught my eyes. It says: “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Well, here I am, exploring the darkness, the pain, the loss of independence, the loss of my ability to just go down to the beach whenever I feel like, the loss of all those moments when the pain is too harsh to just relax and be. Am I going to discover the infinite light somewhere here? How much longer do I stay on this ride before that beautiful light is discovered? Will the doctors find the solution for this problem? Should I seek another specialist? Perhaps my job right now is to focus on the peaceful time and be so incredibly grateful that I can still enjoy peaceful nights, I sleep well, and while I get myself seated in a comfortable position the pain goes down to a very manageable state and I can sit and enjoy my kids when they come, smile, and laugh with them. In the face of the pain, I have been able to keep a smile on my face and keep my positive attitude up. Perhaps its time to sit still, write and meditate, connect on the phone with dear friends and family, and focus on some beautiful and exciting future I want to create when all this is over. Perhaps it is time for introspection, for wonderment, for discovering any blind spots that still limit my being fully joyous in this world. Where am I still locked out of being free in conversation? Where am I shut myself and not able to be fully self-expressed and alive? Where is it the I am not completely free to be?