Feeling loved and supported is always important. In my condition, while going through hardship, this is even more important than ever. I am committed to keep my moral up, and their love and support helped me do that.

Cultivate love and compassion, so we can operate from the heart rather than our ego, or automatic reactivity. It seems it takes a lifetime to learn this.

What an opportunity to discover new ways of being with both time and patience. What an interesting journey to be curious about new perspectives, I have never had access to!

I have been feeling somewhat numb for a while now, and at times, I wonder. It is easy to smile and seem happy while disconnected. I can create being happy inside of feeling somewhat numb.

For me, suddenly this is a minute-by-minute challenge. It seems like I am called to let go of something each minute of the day. It seems like each minute I am called to choose an empowering context to whatever is happening.

“The mind, in addition to medicine, has powers to turn the immune systems around” – Jonas Salk

So a miracle is a combination of determination and patience. Wow! I loved hearing this. First, the idea of determination. It doesn’t come by itself. It takes effort, the patience.

“I am healing my body, mind and spirit. I trust the Universe’s healing energy. Please bring peace and love to me, my family and the world”

Sitting in bed, looking at the people walking on the beach, I wonder again, how is that I moved so fast from a walking the beach girl with no worries, to this dependent woman in bed and can barely move…

There is nothing like family in times like that, and I feel so lucky to be surrounded by my kids and grandkids right now.

What opens up are myself stepping in not as a victim, rather, as the one responsible for all healing and getting well options. The feeling is very different.

I look over my life. This little girl, Irit, I think she grew up like that. In a cloud, not really getting what is going on around.

How far have I gone down this journey? Is the bottom that much deeper? How far down the rabbit hole is this mystery journey going? Sometimes I wonder, at other times, perhaps most times, I am just going through the motions with not going too deep.

It occurred to me that if I am to be cause in the matter, I have a choice at which defines my day. The narrow perspective of the pain I feel when I move, or the wide perspective of the miracles still happening around me. The big picture of the “all of it”.

At times, there is a tear for what is lost, and at other times, there is this complete acceptance. The truth is, sitting in my chair staring, I get how the bare truth is that there is nowhere to go, there is nothing to do, and there is no one to be…

My mind wants to keep going to “how come” and “I wish it were different”, and I know “resistance is futile”, so I let that go too. It is time to practice everything I have ever learned in my life. It is time to practice coming back to present, right here right now.

I want to connect with people, in cafes, or on the bus, or in the street. I want to ask them questions, make a connection, learn from them. How do others deal with fear? How did they overcome it? What did they learn?

Perhaps its time to sit still, write and meditate, connect on the phone with dear friends and family, and focus on some beautiful and exciting future I want to create when all this is over.