New Way of Life
Keren stopped by last night and we met on the beach. We hugged, we put our hands up in the air and danced. We felt the wind, the fresh air and the delight of the ocean sounds and waves. I felt free for the first time in a few days. I realized how those doctors’ appointments and talks wear me down and take me to another reality of darkness. I was thinking of how we get in our head into a certain reality and make it what is so, totally forgetting this is only the way the world occurs to us at that moment. It is so easy to forget…
I remember thinking of this each time I go on a trip. While home, there is work to do, cooking and cleaning and life occurs in a certain way. As soon as I would board a flight and put that seatbelt on, I move automatically to a feeling of freedom, joy, openness, excitement, and adventure. While in Israel I become an Israeli and again, the feelings and perceptions are different. I do not know if you have experienced the same, however for me, I feel “beamed” from one reality to another. When we go to sleep, we move into dream reality, and meditation or drugs might alter the way life occurs to us. It seems like life was a very certain way before they gave me the last diagnosis, and now, I was beamed to a different way of being… I cancelled my Partnership course participation yesterday to make place for doctors and tests and being sick, and today I am wondering if that was smart. Perhaps instead of concentrating only on my health, it’s important to keep some sense of normalcy? Community? Some connection with the reality that was?
This new way of life I have been thrown into feels so overwhelming, foreign, unknown, incomprehensible… I find myself lost, wondering how can one be with all of it? How to handle the magnitude and heaviness of the situation. How to stay centered, keep my joy and aliveness through this shift in my life? And I get there are no answers, there is no manual, and there is no right way… perhaps its all about the inquiry, trusting the mystery of life, living into the questions, glimpses of other dimensions, going beyond thought and rational. Perhaps the direction is inward, into the heart, trusting the unknown, and staying in the now, right here right now. Because, right now, is all we have…