About Emotions
March 31, 2021
“Each time you stay present with fear and uncertainty, you’re letting go of a habitual way of finding security and comfort”
“Something is wrong with me”, I told Bruce last night as I was going to sleep. “I feel disconnected from my feelings, like I am numb, I feel I can’t touch my heart, like it’s covered by a big impenetrable brick wall”. I kept thinking about it. Why is that I am not crying? Feeling more love? More connection? Sad? May be anger? Sometimes I go through the day just being in the moment and thinking of what is now, or what’s next, being busy with what needs to be done and totally disconnected from emotions. Is this a defense mechanism automatically protecting me where it seems I do not have a choice in the matter? I have been feeling somewhat numb for a while now, and at times, I wonder. It is easy to smile and seem happy while disconnected. I can create being happy inside of feeling somewhat numb. I kept looking. Before falling asleep I put some music on. My music. Music that takes me to our dance lessons, to my love for dancing. I can see myself dancing to that same music just a month ago. Moving my body to the beat and feeling the energy of the music, responding to wherever it wants to take me. Moving all over the living room with my eyes closed and only the music moving my body all around. I listened to music that took me to special moments in our lives that were meaningful, emotional, and beautiful. I felt a tear rolling from my eye. I got it. It is a defense mechanism, keeping me away from feeling too much fear, uncertainty, and pain. I stayed with it. I stayed present with the fear, the uncertainty, and the pain. I let it be there. I accepted it as part of life right now, perhaps more than ever before. I felt the numbness melting. I felt life force moving in as the “habitual way of finding security and comfort” was just slowly melting away.
This morning I woke up with much joy and desire to make the most out of this day and enjoy every minute no matter what. Something about total acceptance of the way things are, even more than I did before, opened up space for me to just enjoy the moment. Feel the endless love I have for my family, Gratitude for my friends, for life, for nature, for the birds on my balcony rail, for beauty, and for the mystery of it all.