Who Am I?

March 5, 2021 Who am I?

At times, I watch myself going through the motions. Whatever it is that needs to be done. Got to get up in the morning and somehow get my body to the toilet. Concentrating on getting up. My feet on the floor, a hand to Bruce, up, make sure nothing hurts too much. Every movement is deep and slow meditation, figuring exactly the best way to move with the least amount of pains. Next is brushing teeth. I never thought this would be such a long meditation process. Walking to my chair, oh, sitting. Legs up. That is it, no moving for a while… there is so much concentration in any of those moves, I am being a different person. It feels like it’s a different person living this life. Like I disappeared. Too much for me. where am I? who am I? I wonder…

I observe the “I” that sits in the chair most of the day. She enjoys writing. She likes to watch the ocean and the birds, the sky and the clouds. Seems to me she is not connected like before. There is no deep excitements about anything. Just going through the motions or observing. Where is that deep love? Deep connection? Did she just disappear so she does not have to feel so much?

I look over my life. This little girl, Irit, I think she grew up like that. In a cloud, not really getting what is going on around. Too much pain at home… Not completely getting how to make her own little special friend, feeling strange under her own skin, feeling like she does not belong… later being able to walk to the beach and sit for hours wondering, looking for answers…

Growing up, getting married to a strong personality, that like my father, did not really get me. Feeling lost… Yet, in that feeling lost I was finding the way to my heart, connecting with the mountain in British Colombia, finding true nature connection deep in the heart.

Then came two years alone where she found connections, love, and belonging. Followed by 15 amazing years of traveling and being with Bruce.

So where is she now? Where is this vibrant woman now? That one that did not just go through the motions, rather felt the pain and felt the love, and felt the ocean and the beauty? I miss her…